Well, well, well.

Back from Phuket 2 days ago and arrive in Bangkok after spending a nice lush 5 days or so in complete jungle land, 30 minutes away in a car from a supermarket or any form of civilization (kfc). I had a sudden taste for ganja on my mind and it must have been about 1am in the morning. Fuck it I say. I collect all my pennies and walk to the Soi Cowboy (the redlight district street of bangkok). At the very end of the street there are around 10 taxi drivers who usually delve in other *cough* remedies other than booze and sex can offer.

I walk up to the one short fella by the name of John and instantly ask him if he can get his hands on some. He asks me how much I have, I of course stupidly tell him the entire amount of my wallet. 1340 baht. go to xe.com and do the currency exchange because I can’t be assed working it out. He tells me this will get me a healthy sum which I’m pleased to hear, gets on his phone and calls this ‘dealer’ right away. It’s now 10 past 1 in the morning. He tells me it will be 10 minutes away. Funnily enough, 40 minutes pass and still no dealer as he’s being interrogated by cops or some shit. Who the fuck knows. I could barely make out every 2nd word he said. 40 minutes turns into an hour, then suddenly John starts panicking and starts looking the fuck around everywhere underneath cabs and inside smelly garbage bins looking for his fucking car keys. Here’s where it gets good, the stupid prick decided to pocket my 1340 baht and put it inside the cab and lock it before proceeding to lose the keys. Fucking idiot. So now if the dealer rocks up, no go as there’s no fucking cash.

It takes me roughly 20 minutes to figure this out as his English was so fucking bad, he then offers for one of his friend drivers to drive me back to the house (2 minutes away) to go pickup some more cash so I can just get this exchange done and over with. We drive back, pick up more money, drive back. Then the driver is looking at me as if he’s expecting something. You guessed it, a fucking fee for driving me. The standard taxi rate is 39baht, he asked for 200. I then had to act as if I would beat him the fuck up if he didn’t lower the price to a still costly 100 baht. Not a lot for us but a lot for them. Still, I don’t like getting fucked over on deals. Get out of the cab and by now its about 3am. Soi Cowboy is now closing and it’s getting a bit suss for me to just be standing around a bunch of taxi drivers talking shit with them for hours if the police are watching. I get Johns mobile number, arrange to meet him the next day at 5pm at the same place where he would reimburse me and then deliver me the goods. Fine. I can go home and sleep now.

The next day: After a good nights sleep and some l4d2 I got my ass to the taxi end of Soi Cowboy where I proceeded to wait another 10 fucking minutes, John then rings me while he’s across the road so he can identify me and see if i’m getting tailed by police or uc’s (undercovers). He quickly crosses the road, somehow hails a random taxi driver, then discusses the situation as it is with me in the back seat. (Do all taxi drivers in Bangkok take some sort of brotherhood pledge or something?) He then tells me the police have been watching me as I was standing around being a fuckwit doing nothing near a bunch of taxi drivers and they (the police) are convinced that John has been selling or buying cocaine off me. He then tells me that 1000 of my baht which I gave him went to bribing the police so they would fuck off. Awesome work John, must have been really fucking convincing you little fuck. Now I’m apparently on police footage. Hi mom!

Another friend of his who happens to be quite abusive in tone suddenly jumps in on our conversation and asks me if I want some yaba (thailands tiny red pill of crystal meth). He tells me it would be 1500 for one pill when 2 or 3 years ago I had purchased two for that much. I told him to get fucked as I only had 850 and not a penny more. He looks at me disappointed until he realises that I’m actually telling the truth. We jump out of this taxi that decided to be a speakeasy for us, cross a 8 carlane road without trying to get hit by a motorbike or a car and jump in Johns rental taxi. We then proceed to drive for about 30 minutes, 10 to get there and grab the pill, 20 to get a lift back to mine. Fucking hell what a hassle and a half.

Get home, smoke up 80% of it straightaway to see if its any good and can’t feel a fucking thing, awesome stuff! By this time, Don’s friend Andrew (a tf2 player who’s half native to Thailand) is over and they’re sinking a few beers and watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Time to join them and partake in the festivities of couchlife. Dinner gets served just before the Nightman Cometh episode finishes which is very costly as we didn’t get to hear them sing the song of dayman and nightman. :(

After this we take our asses to the Soi Cowboy where the goal was actually to get a few beers down us and perve on a few chicks. Turns out the chicks…not so great. Beer…was ok. The live music…best thing there even though one of the lead singers decided to sing Dancing Queen by Abba. And then a random Korean bloke starts doing karaoke while the band knows exactly what the fuck to play. wtf?!! Inbetween another band taking over, CCR was played continuously to Don’s delight. Tis don, Tis Good. This was redeemed by another band taking over a few minutes later and playing Take Me Home Country Road by John Denver. Oh how I sang my little heart out, maybe this yaba was actually working?

Now it was time to leave this joint and hit up a place by the name of Revolution in RCA. This was a big fucking nightclub that had three pretty big sections. There seemed to be around 100 staff on location, a bathroom attendant and many many staff for the purposes for taking drinks from the counter to tables. It cost a small fee to get a table inside and to block up up the dance floor (good fucking idea you money hungry cunts!) A house section, an RnB Section and a Live section. Mainly thai stuff in the Live section. At this point we decided the best course of action would be to sink as much alcohol as we could and get off our faces while doing the melbourne shuffle (dancing) to an area of the club that was playing some fat beats. Oh how we danced our asses off and how I kept getting thirstier and thirstier. This amphetamine was definitely working. Shame I didn’t have a 1000 pills of my own to give out so people would fucking dance as well instead of hiring a table, a bottle of johnny walker and bottles of pepsi and nod their heads offbeat. It seemed like the DJ was not being especially appreciated. Very poor, VERY POOR.

After pretty much sweating a shitload and dancing all over the dance floor like we owned it, we suddenly realised that tables had now cropped up all around us and it was pretty much impossible for us to even fucking move without bumping into someone. Well, there goes that idea of dancing in a fucking nightclub you stupid fucking management wankers. We head outside and make contact with some friendlies from Hong Kong who couldn’t understand a single freaking word that Don said. That was some amusing shit. All he was trying to say was that he was from Australia and he basically had to draw a map of the world and the countries in relation in Australia. Then once they got it they just kept saying, SYDNEY!!!!!!!

Then the guys basically ask us to talk to two blonde chicks and get them to join us as they were too scared to initate conversation. I hope it was the language barrier that was preventing them as they werent the most gorgeous of girls and weren’t especially intimidating. We left to go back inside while I told the girls that those fellas would be interested in spending some time with them if they wish. She snobbed me off like I was trash. Fucking bitch. At least the fellas were grateful for me trying. When we got inside, Andrew was suddenly pulled aside by a pretty cute thai girl and almost started grinding away with her on the dance floor, then proceeded to get some. Don started doing the same with another chick by that point and that left me holding my dick talking to 3 girls, one of the girls took me outside and we had a cigarette together, she was pretty damn gorgeous and from Laos learning ‘beauty school’. She told me that Laotian people have to know roughly 5 languages to get around in their city. Fuck me! She then told me to hit on the thai girl inside called Banot, (yes, like a donut).

I started talking to her and she was a pretty nice girl, had a normal life, worked like a dog 6 days a week and went at her work hard, 8am to 9pm daily. After about an hour of chatting with her and her friends, we had gotten quite sociable and amiable towards one another and Don and Andrew were basically dry humping their girls so I felt a bit out of touch. The DJ suddenly whipped out YMCA and the whole place erupted for YOUNG MAN. OOOOOOH YEAAAAHHHHHHH. The place started to get lit up around now and it was about closing hours. I got pulled aside by the cute thai chick and was told, hey, if you want me to come home with you that’ll be 5000 baht. I was gasping for air…what??? I thought you were a fucking normal thai girl not a fucking prositute you filthy little slut box. She then proceeds to tell me the same would apply for Don and Andrew. I call Don over with his girl and explain this predicament. Don has a look of WTF on his face and his bitch suddenly detatches from him like floatsam (or is it jetsam). Holy shit, this whole time we were dancing and talking with part time hookers. They leave the place promptly.

I quickly notice one of them walking towards a shopping complex back alley, I run up to the last of the group and notice that they all have pimps with them now, young pimps too, like 24, the oldest being 30 or so. I started to pick on the 30yr old and telling him he’s a filthy fucking swine cunt and I’d fucking kick his face in for pulling fucking stunts like this on unsuspecting strangers. Woe is Thailand. Woe is Thailand. I start getting in his face and all he does is smile, deeper and deeper, and deeper. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU way to antagonise me you stupid motherfucker. I start pushing him around to try and get him to punch me as I was feeling well fucked off the yaba and really in the mood to do some stupid shit. He does nothing while his whore slut who was attached at the hip with Don no more than 2 minutes ago is trying to get a security guard who’s standing a few feet away to do something. He does nothing. I laugh while they walk down a stairwell where I’m at a banister above them and spit the biggest loogie I can aiming for his bald head. Hmm, maybe he was older than 30? I missed his head and hit his pants instead. Score! Now im expecting retribution as its a very very disrespectful thing I’m told to be spat on. I wait around for a few seconds and nothing happens. They just keep walking their merry way as if the night was like any other night. What the fuck is wrong with whorey Thai women?

Oh well, I turn around and suddenly notice that Don & Andrew were following me closely behind. No fucking wonder no retribution was dealt! We proceeded to hail a cab about 15 seconds later and get home within the next 5 or so minutes, sharpish. Andrew comes upstairs and grabs his bag then heads back downstairs to go back home while Don heads to bed. I attempt to do the same thing but end up researching how to sms spam someone as I did get Bonut’s number and could bombard her with alot of abusive texts now. Suddenly feeling weasy I have a big fucking spew then brush my teeth and get ready for bed. Lie down, BAM. All I can feel is the substance of meth running through my head and body. Oh goddammit. I thought it was gone already! I queue up the entire 4th season of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia on low volume and try to get myself to sleep, about 3 hours later I realised this was a lost cause and ate a shitload of anti anxiety and anti psychotic pills to try and get my brain and body to slow down. Nothing.

Now I have gastric diarrheoa and im craving imodium. I grab a few from dads bedroom and take them along with my nighttime meds. My stomach proceeds to foam into a convulsing pit of white garble and the toilet recieves another hit from my loving mouth. There goes all those meds. I then lie down in bed until 9am and decide its time to finally complete the first L4D2 campaign. I had gotten the censored version and it was incredibly fucking lame in comparison to the non-censored. When you kill a zombie, they just disappear rather than their limbs going flying off. Real fucking lame. I wish I could unbuy the game and buy it again using the US/UK copy. Still awake now and its quarter to 5pm. Flight to japan in about 3 hours and I should be getting some much needed rest on that short 5-6hour flight.

Cheerio and Merry Xmas. and Happy Channukah and Ramadan and all your fucking holidays stuffed in a sack.

tigs