So I’ve been an overworked cunt, or should I say, trying to adjust to ‘normal’ life cunt. Studying and cooking and watching tv and drinking beers all in one day is fucking hard. Very hard after having 16 hour average sleeps every day for a few years, doing nothing but pondering which game or tvshow to marathon and relying on a lot of weed to get your brain mentally prepared for a nights rest.

So I’ve started studying again, well, properly studying. The type that involves actually attending classes and paying attention and not ircing and using the schools network to pipe shit off newsgroups. Hmm fuck, and here I am in some Vista class writing this and looking for the clone wars. fuck it in the goatass. I don’t think i’m exactly missing out on much when we’re being taught about how swap/page files and what the windows experience index means.

So since the last post, what has happened? Life, fucking life, and its not even hard, just fucking tiring. I had the pleasure of flying back on the 8th of January. Left Bangkok and got my ass to the airport where I had the pleasure of flying direct to Melbourne without any transfers or stopovers. Always fun standing in the huge check-in counter queue and wondering why the fuckheads in front of you don’t have their passport and planeticket/e-ticket in their hands, ready to go, BAM BAM BAM, THANK YOU MAAM.

Rollins style I wanted to fly kick the shit out of anyone who was in my way, thanks to a doctors diagnosis and having over 180 of the strongest benzodiazipines on hand;it wasn’t quite as frustrating to see the masses of morons get to the counter. Only then to fish through their huge carry on luggage to find their essentials.

Still, It’s always fun standing in the ‘pleb’ line, watching the rich and beautiful make their way to the ‘1st class’ counter which would always be manned by more than enough people ready to accept a teabagging if need be. Funniest though was seeing someone who looked like Sosa from Scarface, dressed like Sosa (in white baggy beautiful clothes, all over with sandals to match), and had an amazingly good looking blonde broad accompanying him. Must have been a model who sucks like a vacuum.

Got to my counter at last, (I must say however, the way Suvarnabhumi Airport ran their check-in counters has been 10x more efficient and faster than any other airport I have had the mis-pleasure of queuing in.) greeted by a half decent looking Thai Airways ticket/counter checkin chicky. Unfortunately, she was also a royal cunt and anytime I informed her of my current sleep patterns involving me waking up to my own screams (go meds!) She seemed nonplussed and just kept informing me that the plane was ‘very full sir’. Seemed like I was in for one gaynal of a ride. Right up the AASSSSS.

That completed, I got my boarding pass, said my goodbyes to Mum and Chalky with much regret then got through immigration, upon which I went to the nearest bar and sank as many screwdrivers and sleeping pills as I could before my plane started boarding. Next stop, my departure lounge. After passing through the nice and beautiful upkeeped airport I finally got to the gate ‘E’ departure lounges where I got facefucked with a 600 person queue for a security checkpoint. FUCK ME I HATE THOSE FUCKING THINGS. More so, I FUCKING HATE DICKHEADS WHO CANT UNDERSTAND SIMPLE SIGNS THAT CONSIST OF A X THROUGH THEIR LAPTOP OR FUCKING ISO BASED CAMERAS. YOU STUPID FUCKING TWAT HEADDED DICKHEADS. 

An eternity later, I got to my gate, got my bags checked again (thanks 9/11). But not my shoes, (good work Richard Reid you moran). Got to my lounge, eagle eyeing the rows of seats, looking for a nice empty spot to plonk my ass down so I could get stuck into my book. That went fine, until two little fucking kids started throwing their apple cores at me while their parents just screamed at them, leaving me to pick up the half eaten apples and throwing them in the bin myself. FUCK YOU, YOU USELESS FUCKING PARENTS WHO CANT EVEN CONTROL THEIR 5 YEAR OLD KID. FFS SAKE YOU DUMB CUNTS, STOP BREEDING.

Woo, now it is time to get my ass on the plane and prepare for a nice long 10 hour sleep where I can indulge in my recently reacuquired dreams and at the same time hope I don’t get pulled into a lucid fantasy where the girls of playboy and me are stranded on our own private island. Nothing worse than waking up and jacking off all over the passenger in the seat next to you.

Got on the walking rampway to the plane, standing in line, then some fucking 50year old+ chinese cuntish grandma starts thinking she can cut in front of me. She did get away with it, but not without the rest of her family being denied by me standing open legged between them. SUCK IT FUCKERS. Got to my seat, 36E, a lovely middle seat but being in the front row, giving me huge amounts of legspace and the pleasure of not having anyone in front crush my legs when they feel tired, considering this was a flight that took off at midnight, I imagined the whole plane to be hoping on a nights sleep. So did I.

What followed though had to be the worst experience I’ve had in all my years of solo flying. I was placed between a Israeli girl who had just graduated highschool and was on her way back from Israel and an aussie who looked like he was in Bangkok for pingpong shows and nothing else. Got into my seat, said my hello’s then made the S T U P I D mistake of telling the girl to my left that I had been sleeping badly as of late and I might scream and I apologise in advance. Of course she freaked the fuck out and proceeded to try and get me to swap seats with anyone who would or want to. NO TAKERS LAWL. I just told her to slap the shit out of me if I do but that went down even worse…she then proceeded to interrogate me and ask if

1. Are you a gangster?

2. Which hoodlums, gangs and undesirables from Melbourne are you intimate with?

3. Is it true the Cambo Clowns cut someones lips up before they rape them to stop the screams?

4. Have you ever killed anyone?

5. Do you punch people in your sleep?

Would have thought she would have eased the fuck up after I told her NO IM FUCKING NOT after the 1st question. Guess not, having long hair and having acne holes in your face can be a downside when sitting next to a innocent looking teenage girl. I then asked her how her trip in Israel was, considering they had just killed 500 people in the West Bank and the war on Hamas was lighting ever brighter.

‘It was awesome!’

Yea, I’m sure it was for the Israelis you crazy fucking cunt. The best thing though was she was starting uni studies to become a justice lawyer so she can put the ‘bad guys’ in prison. After her nonchalant way of saying that massacring 500 people was an awesome time, I kinda knew that alot of innocent people in the wrong place at the wrong time would be getting their legal-aid lawyers ass kicked by this girl one day. 

By now the sleeping pills had started to kick into full effect with the vodka and oj swirling around my stomach nicely. Mmmm, sleep time surely. NOOOOPE. She then proceeded to beg me NOT to fall asleep as she was frightened of her own safety. FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK. So yea, I then spent the next 5 hours trying my best to not fall asleep, watching parts of films, only for the ‘Passenger Announcement’ to pause my screen, have a pilot talk for 5 minutes about northwinds and tailwinds and other menial details that no one GIVES A FUCK ABOUT AND NEVER HAS AND WILL. Then the fucking hostesses start using the PA every fucking 15 minutes to warn us of turbulence and to restrap our seatbelts. NO FUCKING SHIT.

I gave up on watching tv shows and movies from that point and got stuck into a my book for a few hours, then passed out (woo!). Woke up 2-3 hours later to the chick still sleeping next to me, while aussie guy on my right had been comatose the entire flight before we had even taken off. What a madcunt. O how I was jealous of thee. I then proceeded to take on the inflight trivia game which had to be the hardest trivia game in the history of trivia. 

What other trivia game asks questions of you such as, ‘Which linebacker in 1952 scored 14 touchdowns in 12 games?’ or, ‘What airplane was designed in 1976 and is known for its robust wings?’, and even the TV category which had something as obscure as ‘Who was the other great star of the 1964 sitcom, ‘INSERT MOST OBSCURE AMERICAN TV SHOW EVER’. Still, the other categories such as Geo-political and History made for some fun. Sports, Airplanes and TV/Movies can go suck a huge elephant cock.

Best was when the chick woke up next to me, I asked her for help with all the Will & Grace and Friends based questions, (she knew the answers of course). Then she actually asked me if I was guessing the answers of any I got correct within the other categories. PFFFT YOU STUPID BITCH. That felt good, always fun to have no proper highschool education on paper but to obviously know alot more than someone who has had one yet never taught themselves basic history and scientific facts. Praise Jesus, Moses, Allah and Buddha. You’ve created a world full of retarded dumbfucks.

We touched town at around 1pm the next day, promptly got my ass to the dutyfree shop, (i like to shop at the duty free shop) where I saw they had increased the amount of allowed alcohol from 1 litre to 2.25 litres. BOOYA. Lucky too as I had just gained a taste for Absolut Vodka that came in PEAR flavour. Finding the nice glowing amber bottle from the point of entry, I picked them up and made my way straight to the counter. $60. Sweet as fuck. Onto the immigration line!

Now usually this is the bit I dread the most, not because of the queue, (it’s quite fast for australian passport holders actually) but because everytime I get my passport stamped and walk through, I end up getting pulled to the side then asked multiple questions of what I was declaring, what I was doing in Thailand at Christmas time (lol spending time with my family?), and what medication I was declaring. It was pretty fun declaring what I had this time around though. 

‘So…what medicine are you bringing in?’

‘Well, I’ve got a bunch for anti-anxiety/stress, another is a mood stabiliser, another is for my alopecia (/me remove hat and show him friar tuck), another is for my acne, and another is for my bipolar or explosive disorder, not sure which one yet!’

‘Ok ok ok, just go through.’

Motherfucker must have thought I was crazy. HAHA I AM!!!!! 

Next stop, baggage carousel where the entire flight waitied a good 20 minutes for our bags to start sliding down. They came eventually and I made the stupid mistake of taking the first blue bag suitcase I saw, and wheeling it away to the red/green line of customs. Luckily some dude came up to me and was like, ‘hey…isn’t that my bag?!’ I looked at the bag a bit more carefully and realised he wasnt trying to rob me, he was telling the truth. I apologised a few times and returned it to him while his wife greased me off the entire time, thinking that I stole their bag on purpose and wanted their underwear for my next drug fueled orgy. I asked them if they had any other blue bags as I didn’t want to steal their 2nd bag and cop a fist in the face and a wifes boot in my ass. Nope, no more blues. Sweet. 

My own came shortly after, made my way to customs where you get redirected to the green or red line. Green being a very nice and quick scan of your luggage through an x-ray. Red being a horrible search where they open your bags, search intensively through everything, destroying the packing effort myself and Mum went through to put all those items in like tetris. And if they don’t find anything there and still suspect you of importing something dangerous, they then proceed to give you a sheet of paper telling you of your rights and you are now being requested to get body searched. (Not naked or cavity search mind you). Although if you do refuse the body search, they have the right to take you into a backroom where they can conduct an even deeper search. I’ve had the pleasure of being searched in the past by a man who looked like he was 8 feet tall and named Bjorn.

I got the green line! Wow, now this was a first. A single male in his 20s travelling from SE Asia not getting an intensive body search and all his luggage ransacked and searched!? Well, that made my ass get out of Tullamarine Airport about 30 minutes quicker than usual. Not to mention my luggage contents intact and not all over the place, making unpacking a beautiful and un-arduous process.

KONICHIWA BITCHES.

ps. I have uploaded a few youtube videos, too busy and lazy to do more, they will be coming though. I promise.